I'm feeling homeless

the girl I see as home left me two weeks ago. she's been asking to leave every month for twelve months. I can't just keep saying no to such request. parts of me never wanna lose her but I also don't wanna see her suffered being with me. it makes me feel unwanted, the worst kind of feelings. I always wanted to chat and call her everyday since that day. but how could I? she's been very determined asking to be freed. I can't just keep coming and disturbing her life, her happier life without me in it. the happier life she had before she met me. the kind of life she's been missing to go back to. she's the first thing comes to mind when I open my eyes and the last thing l think of before closing my eyes again. but she's gone for real this time.

without her as my current and future home, me being in morotai doesn't make any sense anymore. but I'm trapped because the job is forever. I didn't think of going back home to ternate anymore but then the situation have changed so I've decided to have a visit, a premature holidays, the holidays that I don't consider taking because my home in ternate doesn't feel like home anymore, since a long time ago. my family is broken for years yet we keep on being in delusion that everything is fine and alright and okay. 

I think I finally have come to realization that I guess not everyone deserves a happy ending. and maybe that's my role in this life to always ended up not being happy. I get used to being sad. having suicidal thoughts and depression is my comfort zone. I've been out of my comfort zone for a little bit too long so it's probably just about time for me to go back to being the real me the saddest version of me. I just arrived in ternate this morning, it is late afternoon right now and I feel like I just wanna go back to morotai. yeah of course I'm not gonna do it. I'm just saying. well funny thing is me buying the ticket yesterday was a complete impulsive decision. I have planned to go but not this early. I keep teaching during ramadan but most of the lecturers but not all have gone since day one. I mean I deserve this holiday sooner or later. I've spent half of ramadan in morotai so now I'm spending the other half in ternate. I'll be going back to morotai sometime after the eid.

an hour talking video of me recorded by me in twenty twenty three was full of hopes and wishes and the the miracles did appear in twenty twenty four but I guess I'm running out of luck in twenty twenty five. it's probably how the big guy up there showing me how easy the happiness is given and then taken at any point in time. it's only one year but I'll be forever grateful. it's totally beyond my expectation to be that happy for one whole year. I shouldn't have asked for more. I'm ready to continue my sad life. it's nothing new at all because I've been living and growing up not as a happy person. me being happy is an anomaly.

it is time to prepare myself to be old and grumpy. being old and lonely. and then counting down the days until finally the big guy up there telling me to leave the earth. well hopefully not that soon. I'm still looking forward to live a sad and unfulfilling life. just because it's a sad life doesn't mean it's not worth living. I've prepared to live the rest of my life as a loner, what happened in the past one year was just a glitch in system, an unexpected malfunction. it was very less likely but it did anyway. but things have gone back to normal now. I'm ready to resume my predetermined sad life because I don't deserve a happy ending. 

this piece of writing was posted on march 13th but then it got achived because we got back together again. it is may now and we broke up again. she's been blocking my number for a week. we argued a lot. we broke up many times. but i think this time is totally my fault. i've been having multiple burnouts. but i cant blame the situation. i should blame myself instead. live and die alone plan is on again.