live and die alone sounds not that bad

raditya dika, a famous indonesian author / stand up comedian / actor / movie director / youtuber / podcaster / whatever got married at the age of 35. meanwhile luna maya, a famous indonesian celebrity just recently got married at the age of 41. these things are not only challenging the public narratives that it has never been about how early or how late someone finally going through this particular phase in life but it's simply about it is what it is, and you will if it's meant to be. or something like that.

however, i'm not trying to be positive here. these past few days have been rough for me. i've been dealing with multiple burnouts. then she and i were having another argument that caused me being blocked for a week and still counting. i should probably just giving up sending emails that gets no replies by now. i should also probably prepare myself to live and then die alone. there is no happy ending for me. i'm only getting older and sadder at the end of the day.

we keep arguing every month. i'm not even sure now if that's really a sign that it's natural and part of the whole process or simply just the other way around. i'm never giving up on her but it's a different story if she's giving up on me. it's probably for the better and hopefully she's happier now. i should have known that everything is just too good to be true. i'm not meant to be happy in this life. and the bad news is this is the only life i have. i will also probably and very likely not gonna be happy in the after life.

everything suddenly feels heavy. nothing seems worth doing because nothing ever works out at the end. i'm always trying to be positive yet i should also being honest that my life is just a series of bad scenarios one after the other. i feel like i'm being hopeful for one day and then completely being hopeless for several days after that. and it takes time to be hopeful again, to feel okay for a while.

i'm questioning everything every day, whether or not there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. it's been a long and dark tunnel full of uncertainties if i eventually ever make it out alive. why i can't afford better jobs with better payment like everyone else? why i should work so hard then get paid so little? why the world is so unfair? so many whys need becauses answers. so many hows remained unsolved.