been a year

may

hello, it's been a while. and yes, i still very much feel like a piece of shit. this month a year ago she left me. so, should i call it one-year breakup anniversary? what happened for the past year? everything went downhill. nothing matters anymore. everything is meaningless. i could hardly surviving this shitty life. it turns out she meant a lot to me. she put meaning into my meaningless life. she's like the only thing that keeps me going. i know i'm still functioning but for what? nothing makes me happy anymore. she made me the happiest human during our very short time of relationship when we're together then it makes everything else feels like nothing when she's gone. if you're wondering, yes, i am not deleting any pics and vids yet. i know it is bad for my mental health because she is not coming back. but i cannot deleting the very proofs that for once in forever of all my life time i was actually happy. she made my existence mattered. she made me believe that life is actually worth living. she made me hopeful about the future. i literally have no one to talk to. i asked god for giving me one person and the wish magically came true. but then god took her away from me. is it because i'm not ready? or i'm not worthy? i know i asked to experience happiness once. but should i be more specific that i want it to last forever?

august

my phone died for real. i thought the problem was the charger, but when i got the new charger the problem remained the same. so, i guess the problem was never the charger, it's the phone. the bad news is i cannot create any more contents even though i recently overcoming my fear of content creation, but now i cannot even do anything about it. the other bad news is all of our pics and vids are gone. i mean, i have no longer access to those memories ever again because the phone died for real this time. just like you leave me for real this time. it's mid august now, meaning it's been more than a year. and you know what's killing me the most? having no more access to your life. i have zero information of what you're going through or what you've been up to lately. i wish you're happier now. but i also wish i can see you're being happy and the reason for that happiness. i wish you meet someone new, someone better. 

my brain started losing memories of the days we spent together. my heart felt emptier than ever since the day you left. and it's crazy how it's been more than a year since our breakup but trying to look at other girls still feels like cheating. no i'm not in a relationhsip with anyone. i'm still broken. i remember you said i need to be a better person before finally meeting someone new. but the problem is i don't know when i will finally heal, or wheather healing is possible. you broke me entirely, i basically don't think i'm worth to meet other someone. i wonder if you still think of me like how i think of you. i bet you don't. i'm assuming you're happier now with someone new, someone who understands you better than i could ever did. someone who love you exactly the way you want to be loved. i believe i'll feel better if i can finally see you with someone new. so i'm assuming that's what's happening now since i don't know what's going on with your life at all. thank you for your short visit into my life. 

this is probably the last piece of writing about you because i need to continue my life. i know i'm too afraid to fall in love again but i'll let the time do its thing. maybe someday i'll heal. maybe someday i can be a better person. you know what? now i know why you hugged me super tight the last time we met. it was a goodbye hug right? we're strangers with memories now, my favorite stranger.