what if I hypothetically die tomorrow?

One of the reasons I write, at least keeping this online journal, is that because I want to eternalize my thoughts, so that when I leave this world, at least some parts of me can still be remain exist forever. This is absolutely hard question that I ask myself and frankly speaking I am not ready and never will. Religiously, I am not really an obedient follower of my belief, but I don’t want to be sorted into hell. While at the same time, going to the heaven seems to be too expensive and not quite affordable. Most of the times, I see things and give over objective assessment even if it is talking about myself. I know that none of us has any clue where exactly our final destination later in the after-life dimension at all. Because we just have no idea. 

I have never experiencing happiness during my life nor trying new things or eat foods that I can only see on the internet, the dream job I would love to do for the rest of my life. I have not met the other half of mine to spend my life with little family and while raising children and witnessing them grow up. Expressing abundant of love to my mom and sisters and brother and big family spread everywhere. There are just too many things to mention one by one here because I have not done so many things so far.

Too many places I have not visited yet. Like japan because I watched a lot of animes or south korea for the Korean dramas I watched while imagining the love I never had with the girl I never met or England because of harry potter or united states because of those tons of tons of humans and animated movies. There are also too many stories in mind I have not written into the form of books. So many ideas I want to put into reality but I cannot really explain how because they keep changing all the time.

I’m curious in what year the world will face the apocalypse. I wonder how people will remember me. Well, I cannot put my hopes too high because I don’t have that many friends. One the one hand I’m not that famous for people to remember when I’m gone to begin with. On the other hand, I want to be at least remembered as someone that had done something to make a change in the world. At least hopefully people will come across videos I made or the writings online and gain something from them.

What is the cause of my death will be when I take my last breath? I am not that super healthy person and I never put an effort to build my body to be little bit thicker than this skinny appearance I have.  Will I die smiling or crying or not knowing? Will people may actually cry? What about my future kids? Or the question is more about will I finally able to convince somebody to marry me in the first place. I have zero expectation on how the girls looking at me. I mean, I am not that super cool type of guy. Imagining there will be somebody that can actually accept all the flaws in me is more than enough. that will be miraculous.

I don’t have perfect life but I don’t want to leave everything behind too fast. At least, I wish I can do something to the world or to the nearest smallest community I am living and spending the time at. Dying to know can I literally ever to become the confident person as I dream of someday in the future. Often times I thought of leaving for good because I was too weak for everything hard that happened. But I did not really mean what I had in mind. Or I was too scare to actualize that darkest ideas.

Growing up in tiny island from the other side of the globe, dreaming of seeing the world more than through the screen of devices connecting to the internet. The fact that I lost a father when I needed him the most, can I practice giving hugs later to my future kids every night before they go to sleep. Covered in the experience dealing with lack of self-esteem, how can I educate my kids to be someone as strong as whatever they wish to be. But then again, any of those things can only be something to be considered if I have long enough of life duration or lucky enough to meet someone that wants me. This is the hardest hypothetical question yet probably the most realistic one ever.