4/16 weeks wow time does fly

So many things have happened and more importantly, they are happening so fast and non-stop that I think I need to take some time to just sit then write this post to organize my thoughts. First thing first, grad school is hard. Please bear in mind, I am not going to sugarcoat this issue, nor any other related issues. I am speaking the truth and truth only. So, if it happens to be bitter then it is what it is. Basically, there are 16 weeks to complete a semester, we were given the syllabus on the very first day about what we expect to have in these upcoming weeks and time flies that we are already a quarter (the 4/16, right?). Even the professors are surprised that next week is week 5. I am trying to do my best, yet I am struggling. These whole things got me thinking that I am the slowest and the least significant (not using the strong word like “stupid” because I don’t want to feel worse than I already am) within the classroom context. Some days are good and other days are not so much. Even when I can pull it off and can engage with the class dynamic sometimes, my anxiety always kicks in confront me with “do you really think so?” questions. Despite being non-native in the middle of the native speakers, I am not blaming the situation, me being a minority (academic shock is scarier than culture shock).

I have learned that I find it hard to focus on one thing (assignments) especially readings that require reflections after that. I have been experimenting with many things throughout these past four weeks, doing the assignments in the bedroom or in the library (with my eyes looking at the people doing their things or in the library but looking at the walls only). I am not so good with long readings talking about theories with so many names and years and concepts, but it is the current reality and I need to deal with it. Also, I am considering mood as a variable, not only to the environment. I am one of only two non-natives in two classes and then the only one non-native in one class, I am taking three classes. Again, I do not want to use this as a scapegoat, but the pressure is real, it is right there. My housemate is doing fine because he has many international friends in his classes. This grad school experience is academically fun (50%) but also academically scary (50%) no one is heavier than the other. It is also important to note that the professors are very supportive. There are never right or wrong answers during the discussion. I think this is what they call a healthy academic environment. Another thing is, we as students can have access to so many journal articles through the university library. We talk about a lot of recent articles from authors we do not know. However, the professors know them personally. The truth is, our professors also have published their articles in those journals. I can keep typing so many other things here but I guess I need to jump into another paragraph.

Now I know grad school is not only what is happening in the classroom. I am looking up to the “adventure is out there” quote from Up movie. I cannot really say I have been going out there much, but I explore things. For instance, I cook more often now than back at home. I am bonding with my housemates, there are three Indonesian in the house including me. Whenever I go to the mosque every Friday, I found that everyone can be Muslim, they come in different shapes and sizes. They do not necessarily need to be Arabian, this opens my eyes so much, and how stereotypical Muslims are back in my home country. We do not have snow here, but I am not complaining at all. I am not good with low temperatures. I used to ask these questions to my God about why He put me here but now I know the answer. God knows best. God knows me so much better than I know myself. I am in Tempe; I have been to the neighboring towns a few times (two times to Scottsdale and one time to Phoenix) but I take things slow and am not so much of a Traveller type of person anyway, so it is totally okay. Maybe later, I guess.

I know this one post cannot really cover so many things I want to say but I am happy I can sit and write something. I write for myself, so it is not a problem if nobody’s reading. The same thing goes for my YouTube videos.  Speaking of YouTube, I have not been singing since I got here. My mental health is screaming. The last time I sang out loud was back on the 11th and 12th of December last year. I am always dreaming of stopping uploading anything on social media (I am talking about random Instagram stories here) but I keep failing in doing so. It is Sunday now so I guess I will try again starting next week. It will be super awesome if I can do it.