28th ninth of november (2023)

So yesterday was my 28th ninth of November so as usual because it has been kind of a ritual for me to write a written reflection every year so I'm gonna do it again this year. Even though I filmed an hour video of myself yesterday basically talking everything about everything that may or may not really everything but I feel like it feels different when I document my thoughts in video or in a writing. Right?

But I don't know what I wanna talk about really. It's either because I have too many things to talk about or I'm not sure what I wanna talk about.

Update; it is now already December and I feel bad so I'm gonna try o write something here

Well, so far, 2023 has been amazing and I juts can't seem to choose which story I would love to elaborate more here. But you know what's useful? Uploading pics on insta story each and every month throughout the year. This is because by doing that, I can actually looking back at what I've done so far. During my first year of grad school I may or may not consistently uploading stories because I'm having anxiety and what is that one called, oh imposter syndrome. Yeah that one. And also most likely the reasons I wasn't really uploading much is because I had another account, I literally created another account and then abandoned my main account during summer and fall of my first year. Yeah I didn't mention winter because doesn't exist in AZ lol I mean it was sure kinda chilly but I ain't seeing any snow in the valley hehe. Anyways, I'm getting better, or getting back to my main account starting in 2023, and yes consequently I abandoned my second secret account it's existence was mostly as an escape for me to upload more stories with less people see it and then also uploading insta reels that also only strangers on the internet can have access to. Well basically I'm going back and starting uploading like crazy on my main account. This is because I know that I prefer regret doing it than regret not doing it at all. Then the more I do it the more it feels easier to just uploading stuff. Okay okay I know life is so much more than insta, which means some other people out there can even survived and lived a happier life without sharing any updates on their social media. I know. And more recently since I've also following some of my grad school classmates insta, I know that they are great and beautiful and all that but not necessarily making them very active on social media. Well some does but only sharing things they care about like gym or singing and stuff. What I'm trying to say is the fact that I'm indo and social media is a huge deal in Indo may or may not play a part. These whole situation kinda sending signals that if I'm active on social media it means I'm mentally okay and otherwise if I deactivate my account or having no profile picture. Maybe I'm just overanalyzing.

Let's talk about the things that I've learned dealing with new humans during these past two years and what I feel good or bad about. Let's start with the negative thoughts. Everyone here is working and I'm the only one not working. I'm not sure if I already share this particular issue here on the blog or not but I'm just gonna talk about it anyways for a while. So, one friend of mine who graduated earlier this year and already went back home had multiple working experiences in uni he was studying at. The same thing happened to other humans I know, friends of friend who attended the same uni, it seemed like that uni and unis around that region are really supportive in giving the students the chance to be students workers. Then what happened with friends in my uni? I know someone who worked as research assistant, I know another someone who secured a job but unable to do it because of our scholarship did not allow it and then get another job but may or may not getting paid because of paper works, and then someone who had non paid internship in the summer then turned into a paid work in the fall well this someone actually given the permission from our scholarship well it takes time and with terms and conditions apply because his major actually got internship as part of the program and it is seen as required, I know other someone who worked at the mall and getting paid with cash which is technically risky, I know someone else working for food delivery, I also know someone who working at the car related stuff, and someone who work after graduation. What about me? I tried to get a job in my first year but never really get it so in the second year I'm focusing on research and conferences and volunteering in conferences instead. I feel bad to be the only one not making money but then again I'm grateful to be a full-time student for two years. The money from the scholarship is enough, those who doing the job just want to get some extra. Some others do it because they're not currently an active student or they're not a student anymore. I'm feeling blessed to experience all these information and insights and stories from these people even if I don't work.

See? writing things down makes me feel less miserable. It helps me to see things clearer. What else? My second semester feels better than my first semester. But then my second year feels a lot better than my first year. Well of course I'm still feeling down time to time and feel like I'm not worth it or don't wanna leave the house or suddenly want to just sit and cry and overwhelmed by suicidal thoughts. I know someone who successfully get a girlfriend during grad school, I know someone who keeping the long distance with the girlfriend who also currently in grad school but in other country other continent but then they broke up, I know someone who consistently on the phone or video or whatever 24/7 with girlfriend. Oh I also get to know friends who already doing you know what during their relationships which is cool and I'm so envy. I wish I do have someone to talk to, I mean a special someone, because well you know what, whenever I feel super happy or super sad I can only just keep it inside and I can't share to someone meaningful which makes everything I'm doing looks meaningless. It's like yeah I've done that yeah I've been there but then what? I guess what I'm trying to say is that it sucks to feel alone and left out and unwanted and not worth it and make you feel like there's no point of staying alive because I have no reasons to stay alive and I'm almost 30 and then what if I died first before I found someone I'm looking for all my life? But then again I know someone who are still happily living life alone. I also believe not everyone who already getting married is actually happy. Life is weird. Human is a complex being.

I like Saturday because when I was a kid it's the only day my mom didn't have to go to work well technicaly Saturday and Sunday but I feel like I like Saturday anyways. I also love November because I was born in November. I believe it was November 2020 when I applied to grad school. Well I'm not sure but I guess so. And then that's why I'm also doing kinda similar thing during November 2023. Fingers crossed. If you can guess it right then it is what it is. Now I need to just worry thinking about the result. In the meantime I'm gonna be spending spring and summer at home. If it's meant to be I'm gonna do it then if it's not meant to be then I guess I cannot do anything about it. I have so many ideas I have so many goals but I don't know and I'm not sure well I'm never sure about what I do. I just do it anyways. But seriously I really hope by 30 which is in three years I can figure things out a little better. Oh and I almost forgot to mention that my crush for more or less a decade announced the married at the end of November and going to get married in December which is couple days from now well basically the day after tomorrow. I acted like a kid by changed my profile picture into all black. I don't even know she noticed or not. I don't even know she cared or not. I felt stupid and pathetic so I changed my profile picture back to the normal one one day or two after that. I wish this love curse will finally come to an end. I wish I can meet someone new, someone who wants me, someone who understands me. I hope I'm confident enough to approach any someone. I'm just so overwhelmed with all these feelings and emotions and all these things really.