pengalaman pertama ikut cpns (dan tentu saja gagal)

dont get me wrong, im not nervous at all. it's a nothing to lose kinda situation here going on. kalau lulus ya sukur kalau gak lulus ya sudahlah. however, i only got 6 more point to go to actually make it and that pissed me off so much. jadwal tes hari jumat, sekarang sudah minggu dan masih emosi. maksudnya adalah, kalau hasilnya semua jelek maka saya bisa bahagia menerima fakta bahwa yeah im not that smart so it is what it is. tapi ternyata bisa lulus passing grade twk dan tiu malah kurang 6 poin di tkp. memang secara total nilainya tidak tinggi tapi ada rasa mengganjal dan jengkel yang tidak bisa dijelaskan.

my mom has always wanted me to do this type of things, this is because "kalau belum jadi pns belum jadi orang belum sukses hidup belum aman" whatever thingy. she never actually approved of my long list of work experiences even until now because all those things are not pns things. sudah sejak selesai bachelor degree selalu disuruh but i keep saying no. now i already have masters degree. sampai akhirnya tahun ini im saying yes and give it a try. one the one hand i know im not that smart so i will likely not gonna make it. while on the other hand, this thing can really change my life upside down, i will finally be orang, but for now im gonna stick to belum jadi orang until i dont even know how long. im probably just not gonna be orang until the day i die.

but hey let's take a look at the good side here, i can finally reorienting myself and my goals, i used to imagining two different roads im gonna be taking if this cpns thing might actually works out. but now that i know it doesnt work and yasudahlah, im gonna be focusing on my current job and hopefully make it work. my heart is finally full again to whatever im doing even though i dont know what im doing really.

110 questions in 100 minutes is absolutely demanding and intimidating. but since im already not a cpns virgin anymore, i have a fair shared here points and experience to say something about it. it is actually possible. if we actually caught up with all the online paid exam prep, studying like crazy and all that. im gonna admit i did study but not that crazy. i dont wanna sound like im making excuses but things happen, like i got work to do, i got stress from work, i got sick and all that. and most of all, my brain just somehow refuse to learn the tiu aka the math and numbers stuff. it's not my fault i have my own trauma growing up. im never excell in numbers, im easily losing money to penipu which i dont wanna talk about, sometimes i got money but they never last long, and now im still barely organizing my financial im just that bad.

will i ever do it again when it comes again somewhere in the future? i dont know. is this year's cpns gonna be my first time and last time joining the selection? i dont know. i wanna write this down so i can feel better.