thirtieth ninth of november

Things have been like a clock ticking, a countdown to the day I turn thirty. The tradition is that I'm gonna write things down one day before or during the first seconds and minutes and hours after the midnight, this time it is a huge deal, like a really big deal. This is the birthday that I've been waiting for to finally technically become very old. Ideally I've been meaning to set the positive tone on this one but lately things have been rough and I don't know when it'll get better. To begin with, how to tell my mom I'm not dreaming of getting married anymore? I don't deserve love. And I can't afford marriage.

Thirty. I can't believe I'm saying this out loud, or in this case it's probably more like writing out loud. That's funny. That's a good one, right? Well, if you really think about it and get what the joke is all about. Well, anyways, I think what I'm trying to say is that I'm finally thirty and it is about time to admit that I'm giving up on love. And I'm giving up on marriage. This is because clearly I cannot afford any of those things. I'm mentally not ready and never will to have a partner. The breakup with my ex hurt me so bad. If it says anything about me, obviosuly I'm the bad guy not worthy of experiencing love. And for the marriage, build a family, and live happily ever after thingy, that's also a no go. I mean, look at me. Do I look like someone who can actually support another human to stay alive or let alone afford a marriage to begin with? Yeah, of course, a big no. I can hardly even eat well or dress well or do whatever just like any other human. How do they do it? What do I do wrong? Is it really just because I don't have rich parents? Or it's always been my faults all along for not taking life more seriously? 

And then suddenly the idea of death doesn't sound so bad anymore because I'm never winning at life. I feel like I just wanna go and disappear. I'm too shy to face anyone. I'm already this old but I don't have anything to be proud of. I used to see those people during their thirties and not getting married and I feel bad for them but now I'm becoming part of them. The old people. The unhappy old people. Live the unfulfilling life. Forced to continue living just because end the life manually is not an option. So, let's be real this time. Let's give up on love and the idea of build a family of my own. This is what it feels like to be losing at life. When nothing ever really goes right. Write my heart out used to make me feel good or better but not this time. Every word I write now caused me pain and left me feeling worse than before.

Let's think positive. I'm during my early career stage that's why everything feels wrong. I've spent my twenties for studies and trying out jobs. Now I start doing the real job thing during my thirties. I'm building my career in my thirties just like everyone else because not everyone is so lucky to started as early as twenties. I have a clear road map of this particular human job work thing and I know what to do. It takes time and there's no guarantee I will reach the destination but also I don't know when I'm gonna die. Maybe I'll die trying. Maybe I will somehow manage to finally make it til old age. Either way life goes on and I keep going even though I'm not runing or even sprinting it's just walking.

So, what's the goals for the next five or ten years? Well, obviously trying to stay alive. What else can I do? If only I was born from a rich family with rich parents, life would have been so much easier. I'm sorry that sounds rude but that's just life. That's why I'm making sure I'm gonna be rich first because actually considering having someone else beside me or creating another human. I simply don't want them to suffer. And I'm not seeing any of that in the near future. Life as middle class family has always been somewhere in between. This is probably the worst birthday blogpost I've had so far. I mean I've been anticipating this day to come but it turns out to be underwhelming. Happy thirtieth years of life. Cheers to stay alive even though life looks like whatever this is all about. Hang in there, buddy. Look at the bright side. The bad news is I'm another year closer to death but the good news is I'm another year closer to death. In other words, I can technically die anytime anywhere anyhow. Excited right?