I’ve been doing stress shopping lately

I have heard back from two schools that both said no and currently waiting to hear from the other two because I was applying to four in total. I used to think that it was too much but now I regret that I did not apply to more schools back then, if these whole things turn out to be as bad as what I am anticipating, I might try my luck to probably applying for ten schools next time. Yes, I am in the middle of process applying to grad schools. I cannot believe I said that out loud here, or more like write that out loud, I think its fine since this is a blogpost and not a YouTube video, I guess. Speaking of which, its been one and half year since I uploaded the first video and today, I made the videos private again just because I wanted to, just because I feel really bad about myself. I just feel like I want to just disappear from everything or everyone and live an offline life, never have the urge to giving life updates to what I am up to these days. I did go offline from Facebook and Instagram and unintentionally from Twitter (because I deactivated the account while had no idea that they had limitation on how long an account could be deactivated or else it’ll gone for good just like what happened with mine). For Facebook and Instagram, I might want to go back online but the desire is like less than 50% so it is almost likely to be a no go anyway. It has been a while I am having this major stress caused by the waiting game. It is often occurred to me that I thought that the last two announcements can actually just come anytime and I am always here ready for literally other rejections letters that break my heart and I will be completely mentally broken but then maybe rise again after doing some healing, instead of, you know, keep making me worry and anxious and whatever. I wish you know how it feels like.

Well, it feels good to be back here. My safe heaven. Writing anything with less expectation people might actually read this because I just don’t care. I write for myself and that’s all that matters. Unlike those videos I uploaded on YouTube, I always wanted at least 10 views or I will make it manually if it didn’t get into that naturally. It is crazy, right? I am considering to close that channel (and maybe open another channel that nobody knows about and keep uploading my not that good singing or any other creative ideas I might have in mind). Now, let’s address the elephant in the room, shall we? I have been committed a crime, at least that is how I picture mom would respond if she ever finds out that I spend quite a lot of my money on purchasing books. Sure, I can reveal the numbers, but I won’t. It’s a like a guilty pleasure. Some people having stress eating, I happen to have stress shopping. I wish I didn’t do it, but already did. Those money that I have transferred to bookstores won’t coming back anymore. I wish I can just throw away my card but that is just going to cause other problems. My soul is crying and shouting for help but I got no friends to call to, to talk to. I feel like I am alone and nobody can actually relate to what I am feeling right now. The emotion and the feeling that drive me crazy every freaking day since I open my eyes in the morning and close them again in the night. My head is working on so many scenarios of so many what ifs. I am exhausted. Like, I am really really tired.