i've been leaving fiction for far too long

so I joined a short online writing course especially to write a short story to submit it to a competition. it was an impulsive decision. but at least I guess I'm not alone. long story short I did write a new short story, but I don't like it. I tried to work around it but it juts doesn't work I guess. I got a new idea for another short story but got no time to write it down. writing fiction is supposed to be fun. the fact that I'm experiencing anxiety and pressure during the process is not a good sign. the story is not good enough. I don't mind submit it and failed. but I'm gonna feel bad for submitting a piece of art full of missing points. 

days have passed since the deadline submission. and all I can say is I'm not feeling that bad for not submitting the story I wrote. not just because I don't think it's not good enough. but also because I know I'm gonna feel bad if I really ended up submit it. the funny story is that I planned to do grad school to learn about fiction writing but not getting into any school I applied. the universe let me to learn about non fiction writing major instead, the academic one, and I've been in it for a while. am I gonna be good enough to write fiction again? or am I even good enough writing in fiction since the beginning at all? I wrote one solo. I had several anthologies, being one of the writers of many writers. and some others spread anywhere online. but that doesn't really mean anything now. I'm not saying I'm giving up on fiction writing. maybe I'll make a comeback. maybe not.

I've been building a writing community for a year. not a fiction one. I guess it's just writing in general. I collaborated with my amazing friends to have couple of writing workshops. I uploaded infografics, short not talking videos, and the talking ones. the community is not growing by numbers. well at least not that significant. I tried come up with a writing competition but no one signed up. so I cancelled it. I opened a recruitment to build a team but no one applied. of course I cancelled it too. things just never really going as planned I guess. I'm not giving up on this platform though. at least I keep the free essay review going every now and then. it's a twice a year situation whenever a particular scholarship selection is open. I'm happy to at least being helpful to several people in needs. even though it's only written feedback.

I've been writing research articles quite religiously now. everything started since grad school I guess. it was just for fun. but now that I work at a university, a private, small, not famous one. it's been a requirement to keep come up with new research articles every semester. it feels weird that something you do for fun turns out to be something you need to do because it's your job, because you'll collecting points out of that. it seems like a game. so people not really doing it for fun but also for getting promoted to a higher career when the points collected are enough to certain amount. it's only been one semester for me, so it's still kinda feel weird. I'm about to start the second semester now. I'm wondering what research topic I'm gonna write this time around. but this is also good that something for fun is also something for career.

so when I'm gonna write fiction again? or at least a short story? I'm planning to do it. I guess I'm just gonna let things flow. when the time is right and the creative urge finally kicks in. I'm not gonna force it. it's probably gonna sound cliche but I'm missing writing fiction again. it feels like I wanna go back home to fiction. the question is that whether or not fiction is still a home for me? was it ever being a home for me at all since the beginning? I guess I'll never know. whatever will be will be. the future is not ours to see.