scholar soulmate: the first dates

I picked her up a couple of hours after arriving in nate. I borrowed my friend's motorbike for two days. I was wondering was the bike too small or we were too big for the bike. It was definitely not comfortable.

We had lunch at her favorite eating place. But she did not eat a lot. It got me thinking, was it because she already ate a lot before that? Or was she nervous and then pretending to eat a little like most of other girls? Then she found out I'm the slow eater. Something I'm not proud of but also not ashamed of.

Then we watched a movie together. It was a horror movie. It turned out horror was not our cup of tea. The movie was scary but it didn't make sense. I mean, I need the logic even if it was basically horror. I was scared but also confused, but I think most of the times I was just confused trying to make it make sense. Oh and of course, we were holding hands. We just met offline, just had a lunch, and then holding hands? But that's what happened. I guess that's just how me making sure the feelings are mutual.

We went to the other side of the island for sunset after that. We talked about our intentions like an adult. I was surprised how stratightforward I could be sometimes. The same thing goes for her. I like that from her, she knows what she wants. She also clearly knows who she is. She got things in her life figured out. I said I wanted her. Then she said she wanted me too. She has her own expectations of the ideal romantic relationship but we ended up giving it a try. The twelfth of the month of every month will be something special starting from that day. The day we started off getting to know each other officially.

I took her to her home at night. Then she kissed me. Our first kiss on our first date. She initiated the kiss. But then we felt bad. Well, I felt bad then she felt bad. I was confused. There's something inside of me somehow rejecting the kiss. Something felt not ready. I didn't know how to communicate that.

I found out the reason the next day. When I had my morning exercise with my mom, the regular saturday morning jogging followed by shopping. I cried in the middle of the fruit section at one of the supermarkets in town. The tears kept coming down. I didn't know how to stop it. My mom approached me, helped me to calm down. I tried my best to stop it. I communicated my feelings, the reasons behind those tears, then all of those tears stopped coming. That was the transition. That's how I make sense of it. That's what I need to start the new relationship, it is to end the previous attachments. I was saying goodbye with the last tears. I was finally free from everything that holding me back all this time.

Later that day I had lunch with her. We had a photobox session before the food came. Then we had a serious coversation during the lunch. I literally told her everything that happened that morning. She cried. She took a couple of minutes to process everything. I felt bad for saying all that. But I would feel worse if I hide the truth. One thing about me that I keep telling her is that I don't do lies at all. I said that was the transition. What happened the night before was me having all the flashbacks inside my head. That was why our first kiss felt wrong. But later that night we gave it another try. Our second kiss was so much better than the first yesterday. I was finally not having flashbacks anymore. I was finally free.