another online conference from home

I had probably the longest zoom meeting that day because it started off at 5pm and lasts until 1 am. And you know what’s the worst part of it all? I got the chance to present my paper at 11pm. So, it means I need to wait for a while but it’s a good wait tho. I mean I get to watch entertainment like sundanese cultural performances of either singing or dancing and all that stuff. These performances all are pre-recorded. And then get to watch keynote speakers and featured speakers. Some presented live while the others presented their pre-recorded presentation even though I believe that their internet connection is just fine if they decided to do a live presentation. What happened was throughout the whole time I turned off my camera and got to walk around the house and have dinner and have a friend come over to ask for rice but in the end we had dinner together and then I accidentally over shared about my plan after graduation because we somehow had that conversation organically generated at that time.. 

Oh it’s a she by the way and we used to live far away from each other but now we’re living in the same complex. This is also a girl I had a crush on summer last year and summer this year. This is the girl that I shared spending the day and night celebrating the 4th of july together. And the tiny little secret I had is that day I had the urge to kiss her but of course I didn’t do it because (1) we’re not dating, (2) it’s so random and (3) there’s one other friend other than two of us that day. I don’t know why, I guess looking at the fireworks during the 4th of july kinda makes me want to kiss a girl? I don’t know. But nevermind, I will never have the courage to ask her out anyways, she’s too pretty and I’m too ugly. Still very much ugly even after all these years. And I also have this thing that whenever I have a crush on someone they will not have the same feelings for me so I’m just gonna end up making things worse and create uncomfortable vibes and all that stuff. So, I’m kind of tired of asking because I’m just gonna get rejections as always. And that’s basically why I’m forever alone all my life. And then die alone. Never know what it feels like to be loved.

Where were we? I should have talked more about what’s going on with the conference, not what’s inside of my lonely heart. So there are like more than 20 breakout rooms that last for two hours basically from 11pm to 1 am az time. There were like 10 presenters in each room. There’s this one girl in my breakout room with long hair presenting a really interesting research. She asked questions after I presented my paper then I also returned the favor by asking a question to her after her presentation as well. It was a short crush thingy because I’ll never meet this girl anymore unless I find out her full name and then look it up online but I’m not doing it even though I’m considering doing it. What am I talking about? So, as usual, I went online and posted about the conference both on a place where you put silly posting aka insta and on a place where you can showcase professional posts aka linkedin. However, I feel kinda bad because I did not necessarily get the usual responses. Maybe people are just starting to get bored of me posting conference things over and over again? For insta, I just let it up for a whole night then decided to archive it because I’m feeling kinda cringe. For linkedin, I hope there’s an archive button but there’s not any so I’m just gonna let it be right there. Why am I like this? Why do I keep thinking of what other people might be thinking about me? Why am I not free uploading whatever without overthinking everything? Why am having anxiety and all that stuff over a very mundane and not significant thing as social media postings? Sometimes I’m tired of being me.